This ring encompasses part of my soul, literally.
To be true to myself and to our readers I feel that I should tell my story. I am trying to promote being at peace with myself and loving myself, but lately that hasn’t been an easy task. Disclaimer: This is probably going to be a long post so you’ve been warned.
Three months ago I had a baby. Today, October 19th was his due date. Parks Dempsey Heckmann came into this world on July 15, 2016. I went into early labor and there was no stopping it as my placenta had detached from the uterus. This typically is caused from a major car accident, fall, or other trauma, which I did not experience. I was rushed into an emergency C-Section to get him out as soon as possible but he was very ill. Being born early caused all of his organs to be very immature and not functioning properly. Parks was taken from the hospital I was at and transferred to Rady Children’s Hospital. I was heartbroken that we were separated but I was relieved that he would be getting the best care in the country.
After he was taken to Rady’s I had a lot of assumptions. I had a lot of hope.
I assumed that we would spend each day at Rady’s with him for the next few months.
I assumed that we would watch him get stronger and meet milestones each day.
I assumed that eventually he would come home with our family and this would all just be a story.
I assumed that my baby would live…
On July 18th I was escorted down a long hall with my husband, my parents, and my mother-in-law. I felt like I was going to a sentencing, like somehow I knew my world was about to be shattered. My heart sank as we sat down in the room in front of a board of doctors and social workers, tissue boxes scattered down the center of the table. We were informed that Parks had a stage four brain bleed and would not survive. Screams, cries, and sounds came out of me that I never new were possible, I was hysterical. Lord, please don’t take my baby boy from me. How could this happen? How were they not able to help him? What amount of money do I have to pay to make him better? Who can I talk to to change this? Why? Why? Why??? Why didn’t he get a fair chance at life? He was so innocent and pure, he didn’t deserve this. He deserved to be a chubby little baby, to crawl, to walk. He deserved to learn sports, go to school, have friends, and go to high school dances. He deserved to fall in love and a family of his own. He deserved the world and I wanted to give that to him. I would have given my own life if it meant that he could live his.
People always tell you that your life can change in an instant but I had never been down that road yet. I pray that nobody ever knows the feeling, but then it wouldn’t be life. Life really is precious, mysterious, and completely out of our hands.
On July 19th I held my sweet little two-pound Parks and sang him “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” as he passed away in my arms. I pray that I never forget his face, or his scent, or his soft delicate skin. His tiny toes and the way he held on to my finger.
I will never forget my sweet little Parks and this ring reminds me of him everyday. I was lucky enough to come across a beautiful Etsy shop named CloseByMe. This ring is made of Parks’ ashes. You may think it is strange but it puts me at ease. If I had my way Parks would be with me every second of every day and this way he really is. Thank you to Gina Murphy for your beautiful work, your pieces are filled with so much love and passion.
I am on the road to recovery physically, mentally, and personally. I know that it is a long road but I have the most amazing husband, family, and friends that have been by my side at all times.
Thank you all for holding me up through this, I am forever grateful.
CloseByMe Ring: HERE
Photo: Chris Tran