I Bring Him Everywhere

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This ring encompasses part of my soul, literally.

To be true to myself and to our readers I feel that I should tell my story. I am trying to promote being at peace with myself and loving myself, but lately that hasn’t been an easy task. Disclaimer: This is probably going to be a long post so you’ve been warned.

Three months ago I had a baby. Today, October 19th was his due date. Parks Dempsey Heckmann came into this world on July 15, 2016. I went into early labor and there was no stopping it as my placenta had detached from the uterus. This typically is caused from a major car accident, fall, or other trauma, which I did not experience. I was rushed into an emergency C-Section to get him out as soon as possible but he was very ill. Being born early caused all of his organs to be very immature and not functioning properly. Parks was taken from the hospital I was at and transferred to Rady Children’s Hospital. I was heartbroken that we were separated but I was relieved that he would be getting the best care in the country.

After he was taken to Rady’s I had a lot of assumptions. I had a lot of hope.

I assumed that we would spend each day at Rady’s with him for the next few months.

I assumed that we would watch him get stronger and meet milestones each day.

I assumed that eventually he would come home with our family and this would all just be a story.

I assumed that my baby would live…

On July 18th I was escorted down a long hall with my husband, my parents, and my mother-in-law. I felt like I was going to a sentencing, like somehow I knew my world was about to be shattered. My heart sank as we sat down in the room in front of a board of doctors and social workers, tissue boxes scattered down the center of the table. We were informed that Parks had a stage four brain bleed and would not survive. Screams, cries, and sounds came out of me that I never new were possible, I was hysterical. Lord, please don’t take my baby boy from me. How could this happen? How were they not able to help him? What amount of money do I have to pay to make him better? Who can I talk to to change this? Why? Why? Why??? Why didn’t he get a fair chance at life? He was so innocent and pure, he didn’t deserve this. He deserved to be a chubby little baby, to crawl, to walk. He deserved to learn sports, go to school, have friends, and go to high school dances. He deserved to fall in love and a family of his own. He deserved the world and I wanted to give that to him. I would have given my own life if it meant that he could live his.

People always tell you that your life can change in an instant but I had never been down that road yet. I pray that nobody ever knows the feeling, but then it wouldn’t be life. Life really is precious, mysterious, and completely out of our hands.

On July 19th I held my sweet little two-pound Parks and sang him “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” as he passed away in my arms. I pray that I never forget his face, or his scent, or his soft delicate skin. His tiny toes and the way he held on to my finger.

I will never forget my sweet little Parks and this ring reminds me of him everyday. I was lucky enough to come across a beautiful Etsy shop named CloseByMe. This ring is made of Parks’ ashes. You may think it is strange but it puts me at ease. If I had my way Parks would be with me every second of every day and this way he really is. Thank you to Gina Murphy for your beautiful work, your pieces are filled with so much love and passion.

I am on the road to recovery physically, mentally, and personally. I know that it is a long road but I have the most amazing husband, family, and friends that have been by my side at all times.

Thank you all for holding me up through this, I am forever grateful.

Always,
Katy

xoxo

CloseByMe Ring: HERE

Photo: Chris Tran

14 thoughts on “I Bring Him Everywhere

  1. Ami and Christina

    Thank you for sharing such a raw and honest piece of writing on your blog. I read this to my Mum and we both cried. We feel so tremendously sorry for your loss and also amazingly moved by your courage. We sit here Grateful for each other, and very grateful you shared this. Your ring is beautiful. Angels to you, Love from us both XX

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Ami and Christina, thank you for reaching out. I appreciate the love so much. I hope that it can help people realize how short life can be. Hold your loved ones close and always let them know how much they mean to you. xoxo

      Reply

  2. Mary-Helen Clark

    Dear Katy,
    From one mom to another, I am so sorry for your loss. Parks will be with you always, in your heart and on your hand. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks, do what’s best for you to heal. Thank you for sharing your story and God bless you.

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Mary-Helen, thank you so much for writing to me. As a mother I think we all understand what is at stake. I hope you hug yours extra tight from me. xoxo

      Reply

  3. Karen Lanet

    Dear Katy… Greg & I still think of you and Brock often. Your special, heartfelt words made us cry so hard. You have been through a really, really, heart wrenching, sad, time that will never, ever, be forgotten. Parks was blessed with you & Brock, two beautiful, loving parents…..as well as you being blessed with Parks. We LOVE you both and think of you often……Our LOVE to you both….

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Karen, thank you so much for the beautiful message. I often wonder how I got to this point in my life. We never know what our story will be or what will happen in our lifetime. We are so lucky to have you in our lives to help us along the way when life gets hard. Thank you for always being there for us. xoxo

      Reply

  4. Christina Basye-Carlson

    Katy! You are one of the most amazing women I have ever had the opportunity to meet, work with, and know. I am so pleased to hear you found Gina’s Etsy shop, as she is one of my nearest and dearest friends. No words will ever due it justice because no one will ever know how your personal struggle, but for what it is worth I am so sorry and deeply saddened by your loss. I’m sending you and your family all my love and prayers. Xoxo
    -Christina

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Thank you so much Christina, you are such a doll. I had no idea you knew Gina, it is such a small world. I have never had the privledage of meeting her in person but I felt the love in her messages and the way she treated me. I am grateful for her work. Thank you for your love and support, xoxo

      Reply

  5. Diana Fugler

    Hi Katy,

    I love the letter you wrote about Parks journey it was well said now I know the whole story. The ring was a wonderful idea to always have him with you and that precious memory of him, he will forever be in your heart. God has blessed you with a wonderful husband and family and a beautiful baby girl.
    God bless you all.
    all our love uncle Jim & aunt Diana

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Thank you so much for your sweet note. It has been so difficult but we appreciate the love and support so much. xoxo

      Reply

  6. Leah

    Oh Katy, I am in tears reading this! I can’t even begin to know the pain, sorrow and loss you are experiencing. Your story is a reminder to all of us to never take life or our blessings for granted. Sending you so many hugs and positive thoughts today!

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Thank you Leah, we must always be reminded to be so grateful. Lots of love right back to you xoxo

      Reply

  7. Lauren

    I am so sorry for your loss Katy. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story of your beautiful baby boy. xo

    Reply

    1. info@peacelovestyle.com

      Thank you for your love Lauren xoxo

      Reply

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